My family is my rock. They are always there for me regardless of what's going on in my life, what decisions I make, or what I say to them.
I still remember that day. That very first concert. That very first song. Music has played such a role in my life, I'll always be eternally grateful to it. Numerous times, it has saved my life. I was 15. I had shitty friends, which is another story entirely in itself. The people that were supposed to be closest to me weren't really "friends" at all. In simplest terms, they sucked. I was sad and depressed. The typical sad routine I guess of any 15 year old. I was at such a low point, it came to the extent of not knowing how to deal with it anymore. I played sports, but that even wasn't enough to get those feelings out. For as long as I live, I think I can remember that day as clear as if it had just happened moments ago. I had gone for a walk. It was February and still cold outside. Very cold. I wanted to feel something, anything, to know I was still a person - still alive. Depression had taken over a 15 year old girl who had been tough for too long. Someone who had been dealing with being bullied and having her emotions tossed around for far too long since she was 7 or 8 years old. I was just done with it. I found a sharp rock and picked it up. If i truly knew what I was even doing is a good question, because to this day I'm not even sure of the answer. All I do know is I was in a dark place. I felt like the world had put it's weight on my shoulders and I was ready to give up. I was sitting in my room, thinking about anything and everything going on. Thoughts running in and out of my head. As any teenager like you soon in the movies, I put on my iPod and just started listening to music. That night was the first time I looked at music and lyrics in a different way. It was describing everything I was feeling and didn't know how to say. It saved my life. I got rid of the sharp rock I was holding onto. I started putting every spare moment I had into just fading away into music. I found more and more bands and artists with music I found myself relating to. Lyrics spoke to me. I wasn't into the popular stuff that was on MTV and the radio, because what did those songs really do? They had nothing behind them. No story, no scars, no battles, no truth - just an "artist" working for money. Music is so much more than that to me. It's part of who I am now.
One little letter.
My Bubbie meant the world to me. This March will be two years since she passed away. I didn't realize how close we truly were till a little while ago. I loved all of my grandparents, but I can't deny that we had a lot in common. She had the most amazing sense of humor (just like me). We both loved cooking, had interests in teaching and helping others. Her presence could change how someone felt. She was always smiling. Losing her was hard. I was there. She couldn't speak at that point. Her health had rapidly declined. All she could do was hold my hand. She gave me a look that she'd be okay. I was in Florida along with my father and my other grandmother, Nana. It was around 5 pm and she got moved to another room after signing a DNR. She was settled into the new room so we decided we would run out for dinner. We said our "see you later" and went out. An hour later we came back. The light in the room was off. I was the first one to walk in and see her. She wasn't breathing. I called to my dad and we got a nurse inside. She was gone. Little did I know my see you later before had become a goodbye. I was in tears, but she was in a better place. Cleaning out her apartment a few days later with my cousins and family was bittersweet. We each we able to pick some things we wanted to keep of hers. I got her perfume. It was nearly full. It's so fragrant that I don't even need to spray it to remember the smell of her hugs. It's nice. It's like she's always by me and brings us closer. I was fortunate enough to have the name Alison and be able to receive the "A" necklace pictured. She would wear it every day since her name was Adeline, or Addy for short. Even though she's gone, it's great I have things to help me feel connected with those that have passed on. She will always be with me now, just like before. The same way I see my Poppy Pacey in the sky when the clouds let rays of sunshine come through and wear the RayBan sunglasses he kept in the garage, and the bracelet I wear that reminds me of my Poppy Gabby that we got on a family cruise in 2008. I've never taken it off since that day. I will never forget those people that have passed, because I'll never let those memories fade..
"Did you ever know that your my hero? You're everything I wish I could be." - Bette Midler {Wind Beneath My Wings}
July 2005
| July 2010
|
For 19 years, I never could imagine
| why we didn't spent time together.
|
and im going with mike, my brother! scoreeeee. the last time i was at bowery was epic. and it's uber tiny! like standing all the way in the back is even epic. i cannot imagine how good it's gonna be. hope i get to see nate again. man, he is fucking precious. and jack. and andrew. umphhhhh all of them. still cannot get how a man so tiny like nate can have an epic voice like that. and he smokes. and jack's guitar skills!? can't forget andrew's flugelhorn. and piano. it's like the gods of music took nate and say hey bud - here have an killer voice! wait what's that? you wanna smoke? okay let's make it sexier! jack you wanna be hipster? let's give you prescription hipster glasses, another band, and impeccable taste in style. sound good? and andrew. dear, dear, andrew. we'll make you the technology savvy one of the group. you can keep tabs of the twitter, facebook, and tumblr pages and post awesome videos and pictures and silly things that make all the girls fall in love with you.
... and i think the amount of times i just thought how everything is epic may take away the meaning of the word epic. but whatever, it's true.
and it's awesome how music has brought me and my brother together. it's actually ironic that fun. was the band too.
i'm awake.
fuck why does this alarm always give me a heart attack?! shouldn't alarms be nice and gently wake you up? it's bad enough already that i have to wake up by an alarm. it usually means there's something that's forcing me to get my ass out of bed and be productive. i honestly would have no problem sleeping all day. i'm pretty sure I could sleep all day if i wanted to. no wait - who am i kidding?! the days that i have the ability to sleep all day always bites me in the tushy and says LOL JK let's have you wake up really early okay? because naturally, somehow i love sleep but always feel like a day is wasted if i sleep in too late. what kind of sorcery mind thinking is that?! c'mon.