Prologue
Everyone has a point where they hit their all-time low. They've never felt as bad as they do in that moment. They don't think life is gonna get better. This is it. It's the end. They can't take it anymore and nothing seems worth it. That was me when I was 16. I had "friends" that really weren't friends at all, I was constantly being bullied for years and being made fun of, and I was just sick of dealing with it all. You can only put up a smiling face to cover the pain for so long. What that day gave me is more than I can be thankful for. It's true what they say, that you can always find something good out of something terrible. That something for me, was music.
Everyone's story is different. No one faces the same battles and comes out with the same scars.
I was either 15 or 16. I remember the day clear as anything. It was the day I hit my breaking point. I was feeling depressed. I was so upset with things going on in my life. i was outside. it was fall and there was a slight cool breeze in the air. I was just walking in my development, thinking about everything going on in my life. Tears had filled my eyes and before I knew it, I was hysterically crying. Stumbling through the development, I found a rock. It was a decent size and i guess it had been thrown before because it was perfectly chipped in half giving it a sharp edge. I thought of cutting myself. I didn't know much about cutting or even what to do, but I knew how i felt and just didn't want to feel that way anymore. I came back home and was sitting in my room. I had the rock in one hand and put on my iPod. That was the moment it all clicked for me. I don't know if it was the timing or a sign, but it couldn't have been more perfect. "How Much For Happy" by Cassie Steele came on. It was the first time I had truly been able to listen to what the lyrics meant. It spoke to me in a way that everything changed. I put down the rock, hid it from plain sight, and listened to Cassie Steele's album the whole night. I let everything soak in. Lyrics made me realize that I wasn't alone. I found out that others had gone through similar problems, and I'd get through it - I'd be okay. The more music I started to listen to, the more lyrics spoke to me. A good song could change my entire mood. My life wasn't magically perfect, but I was able to start dealing with it. It started to get better.
That was the day music changed my life.
_I'm feeling broken
Scattered pieces on the ground
I'm feeling desperate now
can abandoned souls be found
I've been having trouble
With keeping up this smile
I've been having trouble
Hurting for quite a while
And I'm feeling stupid
Cause I did it to me
And I'm feeling desperate
From being unhappy
Why'd you leave me like this?
With scars across my heart and on my wrists
When I looked in your eyes
I didn't know happiness had a price
- Cassie Steele {Broken [How Much For Happy]}
Scattered pieces on the ground
I'm feeling desperate now
can abandoned souls be found
I've been having trouble
With keeping up this smile
I've been having trouble
Hurting for quite a while
And I'm feeling stupid
Cause I did it to me
And I'm feeling desperate
From being unhappy
Why'd you leave me like this?
With scars across my heart and on my wrists
When I looked in your eyes
I didn't know happiness had a price
- Cassie Steele {Broken [How Much For Happy]}
well, what kind of music?
the music i listen to varies immensely. i don't have one type of genre that I listen to or one type of music that is my "style". If the music reaches out to me and can make me think twice about the lyrics or how it's making me feel, I like it. Not all the music I listen to is "perfect" or a certain genre, but it makes me happy. sometimes it's pop. other times it's a good beat that makes me feel happier. acoustic works. rock can tickle my fancy once in a while. sometimes it's lyrics that take my mind off things or helps me realize I'm not alone. it's music. it's not meant to be uniform or offer just one single answer.
as long as it makes me happy, that's all that matters in the end.
as long as it makes me happy, that's all that matters in the end.
Now let's take a moment to jump to December of 2008, when I got an ACL repair on my right knee.
Then two weeks later we jump to January 14th, 2009 when I got admitted to the hospital for a pulmonary embolism, or as most will know, two blood clots in my lung.
There is only so much you can do in a hospital, only so many magazines you can read, and so many limited TV channels to watch. I didn't know how long I would be stuck in the hospital because it was all dependent on some medical stuff. I was going crazy sitting in a little bed. I got into the Twilight series and listening to the soundtrack. Around April of 2009, I was looking into some of the soundtrack's individual artists and that's where I stumbled across Marcus Foster, Bobby Long, and Sam Bradley. They had all helped co-write a song on the album with Robert Pattinson. I individually looked them up and got into their music right away. Something about them was just so raw and real that I couldn't resist. At this point, my passion for music had just started. There was so much going on around me! This was the beginning of how I started to find my music: jumping from one artist to the next.
one band i'm slightly in love with right now is: fun.
that's fun. and yes the period is necessary.
they are more alternative than anything
which varies from the music I first got into
but are there really rules when it comes to music?
do i have to stick to one kind?
i don't.
music is expression.
it's how i feel.
one day it can be roses and butterflies.
the next day rain and dark clouds.
my demons vary, just like my music.
i cope with music.
fun. came out with their first album in August of 2009.
I started listening to them in September of 2009.
something about their music spoke to me.
more mainstream than what I was used to.
but the lyrics had meaning.
they came from places that mattered.
they came from love
and sadness
and loss
and happiness
and wherever else emotion takes over everything else.
"I can't make a name for myself. Some nights I break down and cry. And if this is all I ever know, it may so live on in my song forever."
"We should live until we die."
"I swear when I grow up I wont just buy you a rose, I will buy you the flower shop and you will never be lonely. Even if the sun stops waking up over the fields, I will not leave till it's our time. Know that I will never leave your side."
"Be calm. Be calm. I know you feel like you are breaking down. Well I know that it gets so hard sometimes. Be calm."
"The words exchanged had far exceeded any change I'd given thee"
"Take your time coming home. Hit the wheels as they roll. Let your lungs fill up with smoke. Forgive everyone."
"It's a beautiful thing when you love somebody and if love somebody you better let them know."
"We should live until we die."
"I swear when I grow up I wont just buy you a rose, I will buy you the flower shop and you will never be lonely. Even if the sun stops waking up over the fields, I will not leave till it's our time. Know that I will never leave your side."
"Be calm. Be calm. I know you feel like you are breaking down. Well I know that it gets so hard sometimes. Be calm."
"The words exchanged had far exceeded any change I'd given thee"
"Take your time coming home. Hit the wheels as they roll. Let your lungs fill up with smoke. Forgive everyone."
"It's a beautiful thing when you love somebody and if love somebody you better let them know."
the music is great and the lyrics reach me and their passion shows through the roof at a concert, but what's even better is when the band members have a crazy, sick sense of humor. meet Andrew Dost: plays keyboard, piano, flugelhorn, and sings backup in fun.!
then other music speaks to me and inspires me to be a better person. I met Ian Axel and Chad Vaccarino in January of 2010 at Tin Angel in Philly.
Who: Ian Axel and Chad Vaccarino
What: They sing some songs. Play some music. Talk to people. The usual.
When: Well, since January of 2010 till this current day.
Where: It started for me in Philadelphia, but hits NJ and NY too. A concert is a concert. Those guys live in NY though, if anyone really was asking...
Why: Somehow I find new artists through an artist I'm already listening to. I met Chad and Ian through Greg Holden. Greg did a post on twitter that if people wanted to come to Philly and help sell merch they could get in for free. I jumped at an opportunity for a free concert! I met all these awesome people, but Ian and Chad stuck out. I ended up becoming pretty good friends with them and see them whenever they come around.
What: They sing some songs. Play some music. Talk to people. The usual.
When: Well, since January of 2010 till this current day.
Where: It started for me in Philadelphia, but hits NJ and NY too. A concert is a concert. Those guys live in NY though, if anyone really was asking...
Why: Somehow I find new artists through an artist I'm already listening to. I met Chad and Ian through Greg Holden. Greg did a post on twitter that if people wanted to come to Philly and help sell merch they could get in for free. I jumped at an opportunity for a free concert! I met all these awesome people, but Ian and Chad stuck out. I ended up becoming pretty good friends with them and see them whenever they come around.
"Say everything you've always wanted. Be not afraid of who you really are."
"This is the new year. A new beginning. You made a promise. You are the brightest."
This song taught me that it's never too late or the wrong time to make a change or make a difference. Everyday can be the "new year". It taught me that the past can be used to shape our future, not something I need to be ashamed of or hide from. I have internal struggles, like many people, and a big one for me is battling with my self image because "'m bigger than a lot of people. Whenever I get upset or discouraged, listening to this song reminds me why I'm doing this. It's never too late to make a change in ourselves. Because in the wise words of Ian, "this is the new year, a new beginning" and I know I can do it.
music can be found in the darkest of times.
dealing with mistakes in my past,
I listen to music. everything happens
for a reason. I truly believe that.
songs like "Days Gone By" by
Mike Campbell and Chad Vaccarino
help me remember that and cope.
I listen to music. everything happens
for a reason. I truly believe that.
songs like "Days Gone By" by
Mike Campbell and Chad Vaccarino
help me remember that and cope.
All the days we remember
All the days we forget
All the choices behind you
Are the ones you regret
When all of these moments
are lost to the world
When the love that's been given
Won't replace all the hurt
What do you do?
What do you do?
Know that it's never too late
Nothing is ever the way we remember
Days that we needed to change
They were just days gone by
Down deep inside you
a voice longs to sing
But you're scared of the silence
so you don't let it ring
What do you do?
What do you do?
When you're running from shadows
And you can't get away
When you're hiding in daydreams
But the pain still remains
What do you do?
What do you do?
Know that it's never too late
Nothing is ever the way we remember
Days that we needed to change
They were just days gone by
We're all living lonely
And there's no one to blame
And we pray that we'll be noticed
As we're drifting away
Days Gone By - Mike Campbell & Chad Vaccarino
_
All the days we forget
All the choices behind you
Are the ones you regret
When all of these moments
are lost to the world
When the love that's been given
Won't replace all the hurt
What do you do?
What do you do?
Know that it's never too late
Nothing is ever the way we remember
Days that we needed to change
They were just days gone by
Down deep inside you
a voice longs to sing
But you're scared of the silence
so you don't let it ring
What do you do?
What do you do?
When you're running from shadows
And you can't get away
When you're hiding in daydreams
But the pain still remains
What do you do?
What do you do?
Know that it's never too late
Nothing is ever the way we remember
Days that we needed to change
They were just days gone by
We're all living lonely
And there's no one to blame
And we pray that we'll be noticed
As we're drifting away
Days Gone By - Mike Campbell & Chad Vaccarino
_
a little fact about Ian Axel is he plays piano and ukulele. since his music is more uplifting and inspiring, I had this passion to want to be able to play it and share that with others. for my 20th birthday, I bought myself a ukulele.
introducing: my ukulele and me.
one of the few things that
genuinely can make
me happy without trying.
Love can be complicated. Dealing with someone who might not feel the same way can be harder. Ian's song "Say Something" helped me cope with that. It sounds beautiful on the ukulele, so I had been practicing for months hoping I'd be decent enough to record a cover of it...
Unnumbered concerts
Kept the music alive for me. Unnumbered musicians Left me speechless after their shows. Especially one; His name is Ian Axel. Like his ukulele, mine helps me Embrace the music within myself. |
without further ramblings, i present even MORE ramblings and a bit of me playing ukulele...
Over the past 5 years, what have I learned?
I use lyrics to help me get on with life: to embrace, to love, and to let go.
music is my muse.
music is my muse.
"Believe in it. It's more than you and so much more than me. Hold onto it. I'll believe in you if you believe in me. I swear I'd give it all for this. I'll fall on to my knees. We are the lucky ones." - Ian Axel {We Are}
"History repeats. It keeps you on your feet. The farther you go, it keeps you on your toes. -Alexz Johnson {Weight}
_"This is real. This is me. I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be now. Gonna let the light shine on me. Now I've found who I am. There's no way to hold it in. No more hiding who I want to be, this is me." - Demi Lovato {This is Me}
_My name is Alison.
I’m a dictionary of
New York indie music and lyrics
that accurately describe my life.
I feel like a rebel,
I love it.
My life is music.
You don’t know a thing about me.
Overlooking thoughts.
Too much to do.
Stuck.
I don’t even know anymore.
but maybe I do know.
I'm a girl who loves music.
I am me, flaws and all,
regardless of what others may say.
I'm a girl who loves music.
I am me, flaws and all,
regardless of what others may say.